I Thought I Felt Incredulous, But Then I Looked Up the Meaning of "Incredulous" and I Guess I Don't Feel That Way

I just got back from my second bible study on campus. It was cool. But a small event at the end has me feeling...not like myself, rather, questioning who I am and where I belong.

I was supposed to go with a friend of mine (Nicole), but she had step practice about an hour before and said she'd meet me there. They've been practicing for about two hours now, as I type this. So I went and sat by myself. It was awkward the whole time (especially since I was too lazy to bring my own Bible and had to look on with someone else). I felt pretty lonely there. I mean, I generally knew people, but I'm not really tight with anyone there. The only person that I would've made me feel comfortable wasn't sitting next to me.

Anyway, I felt like a better, but worse Christian at the end. That's not the point of this blog. At the end, the teacher/preacher asked for email addresses from anyone who hadn't given them to him yet. A semi-line formed and I was third in it. Next thing you know, this girl just inches in front of me like she's about to sign her name and email address. In what I thought was a joking manner, I said, "Whoa, whoa. Who's line are you cutting in?" Then she's all, "Something-something-something you can have the place in line. It's not that serious."

I know it wasn't; hence my joking. But I started to think that it WAS that serious. Why do we have lines if people are just going to do their own thing and force their way to the top/front of everything?

But I started thinking: This isn't the first time, nor will it be the last, that someone has misunderstood a joke of mine. I get a lot of blank stares and such after a joke. Am I not funny, or is my brand of humor generally not accepted? Then I started thinking that maybe it's ME. Maybe she was joking back at me, but I didn't get it.

Then I signed my name and email and walked out all alone and now I'm on this "Where do I belong?" path. Nicole's step practice was for a sorority that she recently joined; I'm pretty sure she belongs somewhere. Everyone seemed to know someone at Bible study and, therefore, belonged. I realize that I feel like an outsider a lot of the time. I don't know how long I've felt this way, but I know I thought that way in high school. It's crazy because two weeks ago, we had to write autobiographies and present them to our Women in Lit. class (about 6 people). Everyone's seemed to be a story about how they were forced to deal with tragedy after hardship after insurmountable object, but overcame. I read mine and I said that I didn't know my birth father, but had a generally happy life and was never sexually abused or forced to deal with a drug-addicted parent. I was almost ashamed of my life after presenting it. Nobody seemed to care about mine because "nothing happened". I haven't spoken to anyone about it, so I don't know if anybody really felt that way...but it seems like it.

I know that I have my group of friends, but even sometimes I don't feel like I belong with them. Plus, they're not always going to be with me. I would like to go somewhere and not have to rely on the company of those that I DO know, and have another person just be like, "Hey, Naomi. Nice to see you, even though I/we don't see you often. You're welcome whenever you come around though."

I don't socialize much with people outside of my circle, not substantial socializing, at least. I never have been like that; it's not me. I'm polite when spoken to, though. But it seems like hardly anyone speaks to me if we don't know each other, unless they need something (information, my pen, etc.).

I actually belong to an organization (Alpha Nu Rho - Cheyney's chapter of Sigma Tau Delta). I feel like I belong there, but we only meet once a month and we don't have many events left in the year, and there's only like 4 members, excluding sponsors.

This post is disjointed, I know, but I was typing as things came to me. Maybe I only make sense in my head. Maybe that's where I belong...or maybe at home with my family. I always belong there! IDK. The feelings are fading now. I know I belong somewhere. I remember this one quote from "Scrubs" where Elliot was feeling like she didn't belong at Sacred Heart, and at the end J.D. is doing a voice-over and says, amongst the other episode's lessons, "...and when you realize that the place where you belonged was where you've been the whole time (I'm paraphrasing)," and they show Elliot finally realizing that Sacred Heart was where she needed to be and that she always had belonged. Maybe I am where I belong, but I just haven't realized it.

OR MAYBE NOT.

P.S. I typed this whole thing in the computer lab and was paranoid every step of the way. People are nosy around here.