Much Too Long...

Is what it's been since I've posted anything. What has happened since my last update: The best and worst things ever. Regular updates coming soon.

I Love to Crochet.

Like, I really do. I haven't gotten around to taking any pics of the things I've made, but they DO exist. Right now I'm in the process of making a hooded poncho. The problem is that there seem to be no decent crocheted hooded poncho patterns on the Internet, so I've had to improvise. The poncho part is awesome, but I'm having some trouble with the hood part. Apparently, everyone has patterns for hooded scarves, but there aren't many helpful "how to crochet a hood, JUST A HOOD" tips. I'm taking a break from it right now, but I'm definitely coming back later tonight AND I WILL FINISH IT. At some point, I'm gonna get around to taking pics of everything and showing the world. After that, I plan on trying to write my own pattern. It seems kinda hard though. However, my ultimate goal is to take up knitting! I tried to teach myself, but there were some things that came out wrong (such as knitting and purling in the same row), and I didn't have anyone around to help me because I'm not friends with or related to anyone that knows how to knit. Last week I signed up for a class at Jo-Ann's Fabrics that was supposed to be tomorrow night, but it was canceled due to lack of interest. So now I have to wait until next month for their next scheduled class, which will probably be canceled as well. At which point I'll have to wait until August, which will be my last chance.

There was no point to this post, but I needed to update because I have been AWOL for much too long.

I Thought I Felt Incredulous, But Then I Looked Up the Meaning of "Incredulous" and I Guess I Don't Feel That Way

I just got back from my second bible study on campus. It was cool. But a small event at the end has me feeling...not like myself, rather, questioning who I am and where I belong.

I was supposed to go with a friend of mine (Nicole), but she had step practice about an hour before and said she'd meet me there. They've been practicing for about two hours now, as I type this. So I went and sat by myself. It was awkward the whole time (especially since I was too lazy to bring my own Bible and had to look on with someone else). I felt pretty lonely there. I mean, I generally knew people, but I'm not really tight with anyone there. The only person that I would've made me feel comfortable wasn't sitting next to me.

Anyway, I felt like a better, but worse Christian at the end. That's not the point of this blog. At the end, the teacher/preacher asked for email addresses from anyone who hadn't given them to him yet. A semi-line formed and I was third in it. Next thing you know, this girl just inches in front of me like she's about to sign her name and email address. In what I thought was a joking manner, I said, "Whoa, whoa. Who's line are you cutting in?" Then she's all, "Something-something-something you can have the place in line. It's not that serious."

I know it wasn't; hence my joking. But I started to think that it WAS that serious. Why do we have lines if people are just going to do their own thing and force their way to the top/front of everything?

But I started thinking: This isn't the first time, nor will it be the last, that someone has misunderstood a joke of mine. I get a lot of blank stares and such after a joke. Am I not funny, or is my brand of humor generally not accepted? Then I started thinking that maybe it's ME. Maybe she was joking back at me, but I didn't get it.

Then I signed my name and email and walked out all alone and now I'm on this "Where do I belong?" path. Nicole's step practice was for a sorority that she recently joined; I'm pretty sure she belongs somewhere. Everyone seemed to know someone at Bible study and, therefore, belonged. I realize that I feel like an outsider a lot of the time. I don't know how long I've felt this way, but I know I thought that way in high school. It's crazy because two weeks ago, we had to write autobiographies and present them to our Women in Lit. class (about 6 people). Everyone's seemed to be a story about how they were forced to deal with tragedy after hardship after insurmountable object, but overcame. I read mine and I said that I didn't know my birth father, but had a generally happy life and was never sexually abused or forced to deal with a drug-addicted parent. I was almost ashamed of my life after presenting it. Nobody seemed to care about mine because "nothing happened". I haven't spoken to anyone about it, so I don't know if anybody really felt that way...but it seems like it.

I know that I have my group of friends, but even sometimes I don't feel like I belong with them. Plus, they're not always going to be with me. I would like to go somewhere and not have to rely on the company of those that I DO know, and have another person just be like, "Hey, Naomi. Nice to see you, even though I/we don't see you often. You're welcome whenever you come around though."

I don't socialize much with people outside of my circle, not substantial socializing, at least. I never have been like that; it's not me. I'm polite when spoken to, though. But it seems like hardly anyone speaks to me if we don't know each other, unless they need something (information, my pen, etc.).

I actually belong to an organization (Alpha Nu Rho - Cheyney's chapter of Sigma Tau Delta). I feel like I belong there, but we only meet once a month and we don't have many events left in the year, and there's only like 4 members, excluding sponsors.

This post is disjointed, I know, but I was typing as things came to me. Maybe I only make sense in my head. Maybe that's where I belong...or maybe at home with my family. I always belong there! IDK. The feelings are fading now. I know I belong somewhere. I remember this one quote from "Scrubs" where Elliot was feeling like she didn't belong at Sacred Heart, and at the end J.D. is doing a voice-over and says, amongst the other episode's lessons, "...and when you realize that the place where you belonged was where you've been the whole time (I'm paraphrasing)," and they show Elliot finally realizing that Sacred Heart was where she needed to be and that she always had belonged. Maybe I am where I belong, but I just haven't realized it.

OR MAYBE NOT.

P.S. I typed this whole thing in the computer lab and was paranoid every step of the way. People are nosy around here.

I DIDN'T FORGET ABOUT YOU

But I have been neglecting you A LOT. Before I forget, I got my real GRE scores a while ago, and they are as follows:

I got a 310 in the Quantitative section and a 500 in the Verbal, both out of 800. Those aren't "competitive enough", but I feel good about them considering how full of shit the test was and how I thought I failed both sections miserably. I'm still on the fence about grad school though, so these scores are WHATEVER.

It's late and I don't feel like doing a long entry right now, but I do have something to talk about, just to get myself back on blogging track:

I bought a nifty notebook in the clearance section of Target today. It's made by Greenroom Eco, and is made from 70% post-consumer waste and printed with nontoxic soy-based ink. I never really cared one way or the other about whether or not the products I purchased where "green", but this one really touched me. I think it's because the notebook itself is so nice and so cheap. I bought it for $.78.

But I have this problem...the same problem I have everytime I buy a notebook that is better than average: What am I going to write in it?!

I've been telling myself that I'm gonna get some prime writing (story-wise) done this year and I was thinking that I could do it in there. I can't imagine what else I could possibly write in it. I have maaaaaaaad ideas and I hope I can get them on paper. I'm open to suggestions about what I should write in it as well. But I'm considering buying some other things from Greenroom Eco; they're kinda awesome. Check out their website, if you want.

I also have a confession to make: Musiq's "So Beautiful" makes me want to be in love.

I need to make my next entry about a book-signing party that I went to this past Friday. THE AUTHOR TOLD ME TO EMAIL HIM...which I guess is all I really had to say about the entire party. Weird. I'm going to bed now, but I have to wake up early to finish a short paper that's due later on today.

The World's GREatest

Long story short: They mixed my scores up somehow. When I got to the results thing, the guy told me that he didn't have my name under the GRE scores, but I was under the GMATs. The GMATs are some sort of math test...that I did not take. I can't even understand this situation because I wasn't even in the same room as the GMAT people; I was in the GRE and MCAT room. And to make matters worse: they didn't just mix up my score sheet with a different answer key, they must have misplaced my answer booklet altogether.

When I take multiple choice tests, I don't leave answers blank at all. My guessing skills aren't so great, but it never hurts to try if you don't know. So I didn't leave any answers blank on the GRE. Meanwhile, when I get my scores back, it was telling me that I left like 11 blank on the quantitative part and 9 blank on the verbal. FALSE.

Anyway, I made my complaint and told him that I took the GREs and didn't leave anything blank. He remembered me and my friend Naomii vouched for me too, and the guy said that someone must have input the wrong code when doing my answer booklet. I don't buy it, but he took my score sheet and said they'd sort it out.

"My" score was a 370 though. If they had been my actual answers, I would be somewhat impressed that I managed THAT on a test that I had no business taking. But that's not the case, so I'm not impressed.

On a much sadder note: I just found out around an hour ago that my grandma has leukemia. It's not acute, so that's not a death sentence, apparently. I don't know much about leukemia, but the only experiences I've had with it were pretty serious. To the one person that reads this blog: You remember Skye, right? She's younger than us and she had acute leukemia, and she was really sick for a while. I guess a lot of people thought she was going to die. Thankfully, a lot of people prayed for her and her leukemia went into remission. We haven't lived in Donora for almost 3 years now, so I can only guess how she's doing these days. Anyway, my other experience with leukemia has been watching someone who has it on "Real Housewives of Orange County." One of the housewives has a fiancee that has had acute leukemia for around nine months. I missed the last four episodes, but my mom told me that he's looking really bad and, when I was able to catch it on TV, he was in ICU and wasn't doing so well. At the time I was watching it with my mom and I asked what acute leukemia was. I told her that "acute" sounded like something that wasn't so severe, but she informed me that something that is acute is actually very bad and that Jeff, the fiancee on the show, was most likely going to die. I was sad when she told me that because Jeff is a really nice guy on the show and I, like most people, feel bad when nice people are put in unfortunate circumstances.

Anyway, I'm kind of used to people in my family having some type of illness, but I don't know what to do now. There's nothing I can do, really, but I don't know how to cope right now. I wanted to call her after I got off the phone with my mom, but I keep tearing up at the thought of hearing her voice. And I don't want to send her a text: "Hey, I heard you have leukemia. Get well soon. I love you." That's so impersonal. But I still can't bear to talk to her right now. She's coming here next week to tell my uncle and his family, who live in Philadelphia, so I'll get to see her then.

My mom told me that everyone at the house, including my grandma, is in good spirits. Apparently, they've been making jokes about it. I've made a few, but I'm still sad. I understand that her life isn't in immediate danger, but I still feel some type of way. Eh...I'm rambling. I'm gonna post this and get something to eat and do some thinking.

The GREatest Experience Ever

So I took a practice Graduate Record Examination today...

IT WAS BULLSHIT.

I'm so glad I didn't pay for it. This test made me consider if grad school is really worth it. I'm still considering it, but if that's my only way in, I may have to pass.

Before we started, the proctor, A MISTER THEO HILL FROM KAPLAN, told us the GRE was like the SATs on steroids. I was all, "Okay, this shouldn't be so bad. I did fairly well on the SATs." Then he goes ahead and tells us that we won't be needing any calculators because it's "ONLY high school level math" and that we can go ahead and put our calculators under our seats. The math was high school level, alright. But doesn't high school math go up to Pre-Calc or something? Like, a level that you NEED calculators for?!

Here's a problem from the booklet, a problem that probably would have been easy for me if I had been able to use my calculator:

Column A Column B
9(to the seventh) - 9(to the fifth) 9(to the fifth) x 80

a. The quantity in Column A is greater
b. The quantity in Column B is greater
c. The two quantities are equal
d. The relationship cannot be determined from the information given.

See, it's not a hard problem, but I didn't have a calculator nor the time to write everything out and do the corresponding math.

and then, AND THEN:

The verbal part, which I thought would be my niche, turned out to also be gay. There were a lot of analogies and "find the antonym" questions, which should be easy, right? WRONG.

I believe that everyone should understand college-level language, but let's be real: There are a lot of words that not even college-educated people use (unless they're writing a paper and use the good ol' "right-click and find a synonym for this word so I sound a little smarter." Here are some words from the booklet that I couldn't even begin to understand until I went back to my room and looked them up:

Mawkish (adj.) - Sentimental in a weak, insipid way
Temerity (noun) - Foolish or rash boldness
Malediction (noun) - A curse (I actually used my basic linguistic knowledge to guess what it meant, but still: I've never heard anyone say it and I've never read it in a book. Maybe because I don't read a lot of fantasy...)
Fecundity (noun) - The quality of being fertile; productive
Quixotic (adj.) - Extravagantly chivalrous or foolishly idealistic (I'd actually seen this word before on Livejournal, another blog site. It was one of the moods that you could choose from to describe yourself.)
Saturnine (adj.) - Sluggish, gloomy, grave, etc.
This was the one that really killed me: Jejune (adj.) - 1. Not interesting or satisfying 2. Not mature; childish

Bullshit, right? So we're supposed to get our results this coming Thursday. I know this nigga Theo Hill is gonna try to make me sign up and pay for Kaplan's GRE prep. It costs $1,199, but the good news is that he'll give us $100 off. 'Cause that's gonna put such a huge dent in it, you know. Needless to say, I am not about to pay for that and I'm not so sure that I wanna pay the $160 to take the actual test if this is how it's gonna be. I've always hated standardized testing.

When I get my score, I might post it here...you know, so we can all laugh about it. But I might not post it because of how terribly embarrassing it will be. But I will update to say how the result session went and what range my score was in.

I think I'm changing

I feel like I've been acting kind of strange lately. This morning I woke up and the unknown man I invited to spend the night with me asked how much I would charge him and I said "Oh, don't worry about it," rather than taking the time to outline how much he needed to pay me.

I'm lying about that, but I DO think I've been acting weird.

Well, maybe I shouldn't say "weird", but I have been acting in a way that I don't readily recognize as normal for myself.

The biggest difference that I've been noticing in myself is that I've really been taking schoolwork seriously. I've been doing assignments ahead of time rather than the night before, I've been doing "close readings" instead of my normal "read and use context clues" when the language used is excessively...large (for lack of a better word), I've been participating in classroom discussions (which is something I usually try to avoid at all costs, and is very hard because about half of my classes have less than 10 people in them), and I'm just very excited in general when it comes to working.

I'm not saying that I never cared about school, but I have had the tendency to slack off as much as possible as long as I can still look like I did my work and get a good grade out of it. I'm hoping that this new attitude persists for the rest of my life because I must say that it's quite beneficial.

A couple other things that I've noticed:

1. I want to be alone more than usual. I've always had my periods of time when I just wanna be by myself and do my own thing, but it's hard to get those moments in college, so I've just been hanging around. But lately, I haven't been asking anyone if they want to go to the cafeteria and I just go to the snack bar, pick something up, and eat by myself in my room. When my roommates are gone, I rejoice in it and I find myself hoping that they'll be gone longer or that they'll leave period, which I feel bad about because I absolutely love the one (and like the other).

2. I think I'm becoming more emotional. I never had a problem expressing myself emotionally and I tend to avoid certain situations that I know will bring about a certain emotion if I'm not ready to express it at that moment. About an hour ago, I was listening to music on my laptop which was attached to my wonderful Altec Lansing speakers when I decided that I wanted to listen to some Japanese ballads. So I listened to a few and then I started listening to "Kohibitoyo" by Mayumi Itsuwa. It's a beautiful song about a woman being done wrong by her boyfriend and then left to die (if I remember correctly). Anyway, I've listened to this song quite a few times in the past, BUT THIS TIME, I felt tears welling up in my eyes. Then I started doing that thing people do when they're about to cry: Think of other sad things to push themselves over the edge. I never got around to a full-on cry, but it was a weird experience nonetheless.

3. This is TMI, but I started my period yesterday. I've been thinking about the change above and thinking that maybe it was a result of being hormonal, but here's the kicker: I've never been one to be so emotional when it's that time of the month, and I can recall other instances in recent months when I felt over-emotional during, so that's another change to note.

4. I also think that my favorite color may be changing from purple to yellow. I don't know how I feel about that one.

I have class in 10 minutes so I'm gonna go ahead and post this baby. I just felt like I really needed to get some things off of my ample chest ;)

I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me

It snowed kinda bad last night, so classes were cancelled today. I'm glad about it, but not. I'm glad because:

1. Usually during weekdays I don't have time to lotion thoroughly after my showers before I go to class, so I got to do that today.
2. My Aunt Flo arrived last night and I'm happy to have this time to just rest and spend time with her.

Reasons why I'm not glad:

1. I actually wanted to go to class (Linguistics, specifically) and learn a thing or two.
2. Plus, I was supposed to have a meeting with my Study Abroad advisor regarding finishing my application and scholarship opportunities. THIS IS BULL.

Anyway, I'm afraid. Last night my dorm had a hall meeting, mostly for the new students that don't know about the policies that the rest of us already knew. The meeting was mandatory so I, unfortunately, had to attend. The meeting was boring for the most part, but at the end our dorm director informed the ladies of our building of some very scary goings-on. See, my dorm and another dorm on campus are co-ed. In both buildings, there are three floors of girls and three floors of boys, so opposite sexes are seen frequenting opposite floors quite often. We have visitation hours and other rules (like, opposite sexes aren't supposed to go in the bathrooms), but no one pays attention to them...not even the RAs. So, apparently, a few boys were recently caught in the girls' shower areas taking pictures of girls while they shower. Of course, these girls don't know that they've been seen.

In the shower area, there's an outer curtain followed by a small area with a ledge where you can set your towel, keys, phone, body wash, etc., then there's an inner curtain and the actual shower stall inside. I should mention that there's around 6 or 7 stalls on each floor and the set-up is in each individual stall. The outer curtains close pretty well, but the inner curtains are all stiff and stuck together in some parts. They close too, but it's pretty easy to see your stuff on the ledge and even the outer curtain.

I'm afraid because in the 3 weeks that we've been back, my outer curtain has been pushed open TWICE. The first time it happened, I figured that some rude girl couldn't tell if someone was showering in the stall I was in or not, so she opened the curtain to see, saw someone there, and didn't bother to close my curtain back. The second time it happened, I kind of thought the same thing may have happened. There have been a few times when I took the time to dry off in the ledge area and some girl pushed my curtain open, thinking that no one was there. Apparently, I'm the only one that checks for feet around here.

Anyway, I've been thinking about it and I think someone may have taken pictures of me. Because the inner curtains don't close THAT well, I could always see out, and if someone pushed my curtain open, I'm more than certain that they could see in.

This is the first year for this co-ed thing and, to be honest, I never had a problem with it (I was happy when I found out about it). My only concern had been the safety of my underwear when I did laundry. But now, if boys are not only in the shower area, but filming us as well, I don't think I like it so much anymore. Who's to say that these boys don't take pictures of us and then show all their friends? This is a small school, so I'm pretty sure that whoever is doing it knows who they're taking pictures of. I'm severely uncomfortable with anyone knowing my body without my consent. What's underneath my clothing is my business. Plus, if they've been taking pictures, what if they one day decide that pictures aren't enough, that seeing and feeling for themselves is the next step? It's all very scary, especially when some guy was seen beating the crap out of his girlfriend of six years a few nights ago on the floor below me...and no one did anything about it. I do not have time for all this. Pray for me, that girl, that guy, and everyone else at this school, PLEASE.

On a much lighter note: Sometime soon, I'm supposed to be working in the Writing Lab. Basically, my job would be editing/revising papers for students, which I happen to enjoy. I'll get to work there as soon as the two professors that I ask finish my recommendation letters and they draft a contract for me. Hopefully, it won't take long. I am oh so eager. Really.

Also, I became a member of Sigma Tau Delta, the International English Honor Society, yesterday. I'm so excited about it. I'm preparing to be the best English major ever, obviously.

I've really been getting into my Linguistics class and I've been thinking about and looking into pursuing a master's degree. With that, I could officially be a translator and SHIT ON EVERYBODY. You know, since that's kinda my thing.

CU MUTHAFUCKA!!!

I've been back at Cheyney for 4 days, I guess. My return has been bittersweet thus far. A little before winter break had ended, I had a falling out with someone who I had considered to be one of my closest friends. We decided to reconcile but we haven't been speaking much since Monday afternoon. In addition to that, I was forced to realize that my best friend since childhood wasn't quite who I thought she was and I've been left to wonder what, if anything, should happen to our relationship. Add to this nice mixture about a tablespoon of homesickness and the bad habit of unnecessarily dwelling on negative things and let sit.

I feel like I'm on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster today and I hope it doesn't persist. I think I've been extra sensitive because I'm a bit fed up with people's BS, and the desire to just go somewhere is killing me. I'm starting to get a little desperate and would gladly go ANYWHERE if I had the means to do so. I'm hoping to participate in a Study Abroad Program in the fall and spend an academic year in Japan. The only things that might hinder me are a lack of funds or not being able to receive credit at Cheyney while I'm away (cause Lord knows I am not trying to spend any extra years here). I really hope things work out though. I've been wanting to go to Japan and learn Japanese for around 7 years or so and it seems I'm being pulled more as each day passes. I like to imagine what I would sound like speaking Japanese and, I must say, it sounds pretty darn awesome in my mind. I also entertain the thought of pursuing a career in Japanese hip-hop. I've never tried to rap or even write a rap in English (except for this short thing I did with a friend's little sister. At the time, I thought it was pretty decent and so did she, but someone else read it and didn't agree, apparently), but based on what I've read about hip-hop in Japan, I think I could do it. Afterall, I can do anything I put my mind to with Christ.

Anyway, I think a more realistic career goal would be to use my knowledge of Japanese to translate books from Japanese to English. I would also like to create a site that features the English lyric translations of Japanese songs. There's a lot of those sites around now, but they always do a lot of pop and rock. I rarely find translations of songs that I adore (which is predominantly Jhip-hop and R&B) and I can only imagine how many other people feel the same way, so I would like to do all of us a favor.

I guess I'm done blogging for the evening. I'm feeling creative, so here's hoping that something will come from this mood.